Strangest thing. . . I checked my blog stats and just about had a heart attack when I saw that I had received 325 unique blog views on Wednesday. I usually average about forty. Had the marketing for Siren’s Opus finally seen its rewards? What could have precipitated such a surge in exposure?
I eagerly clicked on my stats.
Uh…?
‘Romance Novel Model’ was the search term that garnered 322 views. WHAT? I think I’ve done one post on a romance novel model, and that was months ago. I featured Jimmy Thomas as a Tuesday Treat. But since then? Nada. Zip. And those visitors just viewed my home page then moved on, not even looking at the post with Jimmy Thomas.
I went to Google, typed in the term, and my blog did not come up. It’s a total mystery to me how my blog was connected to that search term and why it happened to get 322 views on Wednesday (and only Wednesday, btw. The next day I was back down to my average).
BUT, in celebration of the views, and just because, here are some pictures for your viewing pleasure.
Jimmy Thomas – click picture to go to his RNC Website.
Greg Plitt – click picture to go to his website. Also includes some very delicious video.
Nathan Kamp – click picture to go to his portfolio
Just a quick post for two reasons. 1) It’s been so long. And 2) I wanted to share what happened to me today.
I’ve been in a bit of a funk. My daughter’s not here, school (aka work) is starting in a few days, I’ve not finished half of what I wanted to this summer, and my house is still a mess.
I’d planned on spending all of today writing–my computer was up and running, I had a glass of water, and I’d cracked my knuckles as the “Write or Die” website was coming up.
And then my phone beeped with a news alert. Neil Armstrong had died.
I turned on the TV to watch the news, but the local channels had on Saturday programming. As I scrolled through the hundreds of channels to find CNN, I saw that Sense and Sensibility was on. So I stopped on that channel and I began to watch. And watch. And I didn’t stop until the end, just a mere two hours later.
This was too funny not to include!
The Sense and Sensibility I watched was the one with Snape, Dr. House, Hugh Grant (because let’s face it, he always plays himself), Rose from Titanic, and Sybil Trelawney from Harry Potter. I admit that even though I haven’t watched any other version, this one is my favorite.
(That said, I think I’d like to see the 2008 version with Dan Stevens as Edward just because he’s so adorable.)
But instead of feeling happy, I felt sad, or, more apropos to the time period of S & S, I was melancholy. The last scene, when Elinor breaks down sobbing upon realizing that Edward is not married, always has had me bawling alongside her. Today was no exception. This is the scene that does it to me every time:
I relate to Elinor. She’s the oldest, the always having-to-keep-everything-under-control, the one who longs for love but has convinced herself that things are as they must be for the sake of morals and as a result of being a good person. Finally, she’s the one being completely overpowered by the feelings of past pain and profound relief. Like Elinor, I’ve lived in fear of being overwhelmed by emotions. I think that’s why I work so hard to keep them in check. Only an event so surprising, so monumentally happy would be able to break down the defenses and allow them to flow freely from me.
Don’t get me wrong, I do express my emotions as those around me will vouch. I get angry. I get happy. Sad, jealous, carefree, the whole range of feelings there are to have. But sheesh, do I slam down the walls when it comes to relationships, not allowing myself to feel a damn thing. (Kind of ironic that I write romance, isn’t it? But I digress.)
So, I sat there this afternoon, watching this movie, crying along with Elinor, but wondering, where is my happily ever after?
Is it the memories or the music that allow us to feel?
We’ve all felt it. A song comes on the radio and it immediately transports us to another day, another place we once were.
Music is a direct line to emotions. When I hear a piece I love, do I love it because of the memories associated with the music? Or is it the music that makes the memories sweeter?
My sister had a destination wedding in Mexico. It was perfect–perfectly beautiful, romantic, relaxing. We stayed in villas on a private beach, the sound of waves and wind singing us to sleep each night. On one of these magical evenings, my sort-of-brother-in-law (the brother of my brother’s wife) played one of his songs for us. He’d written it last year while going through a devastatingly painful break-up. It’s a song of slogging through that pain and coming out on the other end.
I love this song. Once I hear it, I can’t get it out of my head for days. Did it take root because of the exotic locale when I first heard it? Or because of the resonate lyrics?
I’m a teacher and school let out three days ago. My New Year’s Resolutions are being worked on as we speak. Once school begins in January, all good intentions get sidelined by the energy being sucked out of me; from the moment-to-moment demands of teaching, to 60-hour work weeks, to being the sole emotional/physical support for my complex 7th grade daughter. I have this two week window in which to clean the house, do deep soul searching, and, oh yes, prepare for the holidays.
Today’s realization?
I have an impact on others. This is a big one for me because I’ve had amazing, wonderful people in my life who I’ve let slip away because I didn’t call, I didn’t write, I sporadically responded to them reaching out to me. I’m the one who never shows up with a gift at a wedding, convincing myself that I’ll buy the gift within the year. I never do. I’m also the one who starts the cool, creative gift for a birthday or an anniversary, or a birth of a new baby. I start but rarely finish.
And it’s never because I don’t care about these people and the significant event in their lives. I do care. Intensely.
So part of my resolution is to reach out to these past friends and write letters of apology. The other part is to understand the why. Why do I do this (or don’t do, as the case may be)?
If I were not me, but I was counseling me, I would gently remind me that every inaction on my part has the result of hurting the people I love because they care about me. They love me in return. Not acknowledging their outreach to me, to their events, gives the message that I don’t care or value them.
Really?
Yes.
But I do care. I just never really, truly believe that what I can give them in return has value.
Love has no value?
Oh.
My realization today (part 2)? This morning, somewhere between waking up and stumbling in the dark to the bathroom, I realized that I became a teacher to help me learn that I have an impact on those around me. It’s one of my greatest joys of being in the classroom–I see how my words of encouragement, comments about the world, the way I behave in the classroom, affect my students on a day-to-day basis.
So why have I been so dense in applying this knowing of my impact in my personal life?
Oh.
Please excuse me while I go and write a few letters.
I have been a fan of the band Blue October for about five years. It all started on a date with a man whose name I don’t remember (it might have been Carlos). He played the song ‘Into the Ocean’ as we drove up to Lake Tahoe for a day of sledding. Loved the sound-it was upbeat, happy, light. I remembered the name of the group-blue is my favorite color, October my favorite month. As it happens, the ocean is my favorite place. Sample their music here.
Arriving home that night, I downloaded the CD, Foiled, and I listened to the lyrics. Dark. Depressing. A juxtaposition from the sound of the music. I listened to the sounds, blocking out the lyrics I did not understand.
A year or so later, I was depressed. Severely so. As I drove around town, on the freeway between Concord and Berkeley, I found myself asking: would it really matter if I were to run into the concrete divider? Could I dare myself to drive off the steep embankment? I’d never consciously kill myself, I had a daughter after all, but would I ask for chemotherapy if cancer was discovered in my body? No. Death would be a sweet release.
And then I heard ‘Hate Me’ by Blue October come up on my playlist. Lyrics of addiction, thoughts of suicide, begging loved ones to hate so that he could be released from guilt.
Tears streamed down my face as I realized there was someone out there who understood. Someone else who had felt the same dark messages looping through my head. I was not alone. And I was hooked.
For the next few years, every time I felt the insidious deep space of alone, I’d listen to Blue October. And I survived.
On September 16, 2011, I saw Blue October play at the Regency Ballroom in San Francisco. They played songs from three different albums: Foiled (2009), Blue Skies (released 2010), and Any Man In America (2011). Their latest album is the heaviest, most angry of the three, as many of the songs are about the pain of divorce from a man’s perspective. I can’t relate. But I am such a fan that I try to understand the perspective of the other sex, admiring the audacity to slam the woman who has made life miserable for the lead singer (Justin).
The poetic raw emotion of the lyrics made me a fan of Blue October–honest reflection of the experience of the heart and mind, regardless of whether it was polite conversation in society. This holds true for the new album. Even though I can’t relate to the experience, I can admire the truth of the person telling the story.
They still have US concert dates for Rochester, Boston, Charlotte, Atlanta, and New Orleans; international dates for Germany, Switzerland, The Netherlands, The United Kingdom, and Australia. Don’t miss them!
